Topic of the Month:
Boundaries and Enmeshed Relationships
en-meshed (adj) tangled or twisted together
Boundaries are the picket fences of healthy relationships. They define where you stop and your partner starts. If, for instance, you and your partner approach your relationship like two mating amoebas, trying to merge your individual identities into one gelatinous whole, there will be conflict. In psycho speak, that’s called an enmeshed relationship. In enmeshed relationships, roles are played out in an upside-down Wizard of Oz world in which I hold you responsible for my happiness, which absolves me of responsibility for taking care of myself and frees me to blame you when things don’t work out. Pretty neat, huh? It’s a perfect system. Except, of course, that it often leaves both partners frustrated and resentful.
Are you in an enmeshed relationship? To find out, answer the following questions. When you’re done, total your ‘yes’ answers and read through the scoring guide at the end.
- Self Test: Are You Enmeshed?
- 1. Do you believe it’s your job to make your partner happy?
- 2. Do you often find yourself saying ‘yes’ to your partner when you really mean ‘no’?
- 3. Do you resist asking your partner to meet your needs because you feel your partner should already know your needs if he/she loves you?
- 4. Does your partner’s mood determine your own, i.e., when he/she is “up,” you’re up, and when he/she is “down,” you’re down?
- 5. Are there significant amounts of unresolved conflict or non-verbalized tension in your relationship?
- 6. Do you spend large amounts of time obsessing about what your partner is thinking, feeling, or doing?
- 7. Do you feel as if you’re losing your personal identity, that there is little room in the relationship for your individual preferences and opinions?
- 8. Are you afraid you will lose the relationship if you disagree with your partner?
- Scoring Guide
- 1 – 2 ‘yes’ answers: You may be in an enmeshed relationship, especially if the situations you identified have been going on for over a year. It’s time for you to talk directly to your partner about these issues.
- 3 – 4: You are probably in an enmeshed relationship. You may benefit from developing more and deeper friendships outside your primary relationship. Consider working with a therapist to help you grow and change in the areas you identified.
- 5 – 8: You are almost certainly in a seriously enmeshed relationship and experiencing a significant amount of pain and frustration. Working with an experienced therapist might open the door to a new way of living for you. And, while couple’s counseling may be appropriate at some point, remember that the traits you identified are yours, and only you can begin to change them.
